I am so fucked up ._. Such a pathetic man I guess. Shouldn't exist,or not this way.

Being a looser all the stupid day, fall in love, leave the reality, go back to reality, feel like an idiot and don't want to live anymore. Feel like losing everything, feel like high in the skies again, feel deep in the hell. Threat like a firend after dying for her. It's not going, feel like have goit something to say, don't say it loud, don't even know what to say. Feel tired. Say nothing just run away, waiting the end, be angry for myself, be angry for everything. Meet friends and feel good. After that, try it again. Imagine it, feel in the skies, think it will last for ever. Tired of it, but like it. After that surf the net, find something, feel like an idiot again. Feel nothing, feel empty. Knowing that I was doing this for the third time I guess. And indeed, had nothing to do actually, nothing at all, all that was just insede of me. Again.

And it was so intensive, the nothingness, but all of my bodypart were in fire, my ears are red like shit while I was just couch on my bed . My bad :) And this nothingness was just imagination of love, imagination of future with her. Imagination of happyness. 

I'm so crazy, but now that I had write all this shit, feel nothing bad anymore. I'm just crazy and that's all, could happen to everyone :) Damm it.

I won't do this anymore, I just want to be okay and love somebody wtihout love. You know what I mean? Love and threat her as a part of my life, but don't be shy and don't be fuck'd up when see her and don't be pushed down because of it. I should be happy today, it had no sense at all. I make myself sad for no reason, that's the case.

What she will think when I explain it, when I even explain it, I don't know. I don't know I've had anything to explain, it was just inside of me and she noticed nothing at all. Like every time. I think I should've done it soon, and it get's worse later, but I feel like I have no right to do that. maybe it will gone, actually I don't feel anything now...I guess... no that's not truth..

And now, I'm not tired at all. How funny.

Darling, I still fuckin love you!